Yesterday, I woke up in a fantastic mood. My kitten was snuggling close to me, my coffee was perfectly brewed, I jammed out to some old-school Eve (hello, early 2000s) and despite my legs feelings like absolute lead, I had a ton of fun at November Project SD.
Right around 11, though, in a gradual downward spiral, my mood shifted for no apparent reason. I sat in my cubicle fighting the urge to cry and feeling absolutely downtrodden and negative. My mind raced as I tried to identify why I was feeling this way…and of course, all this overthinking led my racing mind to hit the wall of a panic attack.
I stepped out for lunch, shaky and dizzy, and sat in my car and fought the urge to cry as I aimlessly drove, pondering any reason for this random bout of anxiety. Lack of friends/community at a new job, inability to run at a pace faster than a 9-minute mile, stress over my boyfriend’s job hunt, exhaustion from working a full-time job, consulting and freelance writing, missing my college friends hard, the current political state…
I guess it all hit, whether I was thinking about it or not.
After treating myself to some reading time and lunch, I felt a little better, but still off. (I still feel a little off today, even as I write this.)
As hard as I tried to snap out of it, I felt like I watched the remainder of my day happen, just pass me by – anxious, lonely, demoralized. My anxiety only increased as I hoped no one in my office noticed my funk, so I slapped on a passive smile.
In the evening, I had a nice chat with one of my best friends and went to a yoga class, where I was so overcome with all of my stressors, my triggers, my funk, that I broke down crying during pigeon. My friend didn’t look differently at me when I told her about my anxiety, and no one in the class looked at me differently as my tears rolled down my face. My attempt to cover up my emotions and fight tears and ignore everything that’s been bothering me quickly shut down as I openly talked and felt it all. I was simply a human dealing with a personal funk. I was living through my emotions. And, it felt refreshing.
What I’m saying is: it’s okay to not be okay.
People are not going to ride you, make fun of you, change their opinion of you because you’re not happy-go-lucky, hunky-dory every moment of the day.
So, here’s to feeling all the feels, living through my anxiety whether I want to or not, and realizing I don’t need to be picture-perfect all the time.